Living Up to Expectations

I could feel the floor under me rocking gently back and forth, back and forth. It took me a minute to realize I was on a boat. Even before I opened my eyes I could smell whale...and children. They were singing, those children, they were singing for me - a song about a cod whale (which to my personal knowlege doesn't exist) and they were holding a piece of the whale. I was there to teach them and entertain them while their parents did their whailing thing. Watching over their shoulders I could see a whale breech.

Suddenly I was cold, no freezing! Why had I gone on a whaling boat without a coat of any kind? I tried teaching without one but seriously was freezing. A lady offered me a bag with what I assumed was a coat tucked inside. I removed the raincoat, inhaling the fresh scent of the plastic (yes, I have always loved that smell, to me it smells like Christmas morning.)

I moved the kids to the bow of the boat to do a puppet show. Suddenly I was no longer the teacher, just a mere bystander, unsure of what my role was on the boat. Reporter, I quickly decided. Turning I saw a familiar face, I had met him earlier (when, I didn't know), but he was kind and I wanted to talk. We began to talk of what we did, bth for a living and in our free time. Sudeenly I became me, telling him about my husband, my kids, home schooling. He questioned my motives about home schooling and it felt invasive, but also comforting. He had a gentle way about him. His name was Jonathan. Jonathan and I continued talking about our lives, he was involved in some website that I can't remember. I could tell he was interested in me and I was interested in him. I felt giddy, but ashamed.

Soon I was laying in a bed with my husband. Jonathan was also in the room, on a couch. My husband (to be know as TB for Teddi Bear) was trying to remove the puppy dog slippers off my feet. He was talking to Jonathan about how even though they were new the fur on the top of my left slipper was missing and they needed to return them. This is when he found the note. Jonathan had written me a note (actually it was addressed to us both) and TB began to read it. Jonathan began to explain in the note how TB was too controlling of me (which he isn't!) and how his prayers would be unanswered when he died. He also spoke of his affection for me. It was a complicated note and he didn't read it all. Instead, he put the note down and began packing our stuff up to go. As TB walked out of the door to load the car I thrust the folded note in my pocket wanting to relish it in private and began to shove the sleeping bags in a dry sack.

Jonathan was standing at the door when I tried to leave. He told me he loved me which I already knew. I  told him I loved him, too, but I loved my husband even more and nothing could happen between us. He leaned forward to kiss me. I let him. Feelings of betrayal ripped through me. It had been so wonderful being wanted by someone else. I hadn't felt that way in years and yet as it was happening I felt shame, guilt, embarassment. I had cheated on my husband. Would he ever forgive me?

I awoke  to no Jonathan, no note, no cod whales, no children (except my own). But the feelings of guilt continued. I snuggled deeper into TB's arms and wondered whether I would tell him of what had transpired in the night. I also really wished I had read the note.